I once french-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old

But I really need a dog okay

I need the love of something that has to love me but that doesn't cry a lot 

I need fur to pet

And something to nap between my legs 

And I know I sound creepy

I know... 

But.... 

This. 

And let's talk about how there's nothing hotter than this.

This man. Right here. With a tiny, wimpy dog in his arms.
I could stare at this all day...